When Mummy needs sleep

When you’re pregnant, every man and his dog always says to you; “Get your sleep in now, you won’t be getting much when baby is here! Hahahaaaaaaaaaaaa” After around the 7th time, you’re about ready to tell them to fuck off in a pregnant rage and then eat them. (I never did, but wish I had… could have blamed the hormones!) 

The worst thing about these wankers, is that they’re right. You completely underestimate the amount of sleep that one can function on, before becoming slightly insane. On the day of N’s birth, (pretty much a 3 day wait from induction… But that’s a story for another time), I stayed up the whole night with him, because poor old Daddy was just so exhausted! (Going to mention again here, that he wasn’t the one that had pushed an 8lb watermelon out of an opening the size of a lemon…) 

People think that babies, especially newborns sleep all the time. If you are one of these people, you probably don’t own a child because it’s fucking bullshit. Babies have this sixth sense that when it’s day time, they’ll fool you by sleeping for about all of it, waking up here and there demanding food or a nappy change And everyone will say “oh, isn’t he/she SUCH a good sleeper?!”. As soon as the clock hit 11pm, N would come to life, flapping his little limbs about, shitting all over the place, squawking about sod all and basically do the longest awake stints ever.

And let me tell you, it’s not just a “Oh I’m really tired, could do with an early night” sort of tired. No, it’s more of a “what the fuck am I doing, who am I? Where am I? I haven’t showered in about 10 days, I’m going to cry over what to have for dinner” sort of tired. I literally, was fucking EXHAUSTED, I wasn’t tired anymore. I went insane. Doing the dishes at 3 in the morning, binge watching Made In Chelsea at stupid O’clock in the night, drinking about 29 cups of sugary tea until I was borderline diabetic… 

I don’t know how I did it, I just did it. I got through it. To those of you that have new small people around, take it from me; IT GETS BETTER. Even if it’s just for a little bit, it does improve. They will sleep through one night and you’ll think they’re dead, but when you realise they’re very much alive, you’ll appreciate it. And I’m afraid I can’t tell you how long it’ll take. Probably when you’re ill and can’t sleep anyway. 

Now probably isn’t a very good time to let you know that even after 21 months of N’s existence on the planet, we still often than not are awake a couple of times with him in the night, but his night time part of the brain might be a bit faulty 😉. But, it’s much better than it was. Instead of being about ready to send Daddy several shouty caps texts about how he’s such a bastard that he “slept through” the baby’s screams, I usually just call him a twat with no kisses. 

I’ve got no real concrete advise here for you, but keep going, ask for help (because these people offering the help now, won’t do it as much when your baby starts becoming a bit less cute, more sticky and much more mobile… because they up the anti and enter arseholish toddler mode), try to nap and ignore the washing pile whilst baby is sleeping. Failing that, stick Tree Fu Tom on and take the world’s quickest nap, sometimes works here! 

Oh, and caffeine is your friend now. 

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