When Daddy is a bit of a twat

They say having a baby puts strain on even the strongest of relationships. I can just imagine it now; Posh and Becks having a scrap about whose turn it is to cook the fish fingers and do bath time. It’s natural to realise that the love of your life has more twattish tendencies than you’d first envisioned. 

They say love is blind, but I just think it needs to go to specsavers, because no one is perfect. Daddy and I have been together for nearly 4 years now and he’s a bit of a twat more than I care to mention. There’s something about the day the baby is born, something clicks in them to become an arsehole every now and again. 

I have a mental list of things that Daddy does or says that are like a red rag to a bull (and I can be a big fucking bull sometimes). Obviously, I’m no angel. In fact, I’m a huge bitch in the mornings. I’m completely irrational until I’ve had a sugary cup of tea… But at least I own it. Daddy and I have a sort of spoken agreement that unless he wants a new arsehole in the mornings, he’s to make me a cup of tea and back away slowly until it’s been consumed. 

Which leads me to the long awaited list of things that men do to piss us off;

1. They’re noisy – Daddy lets his alarm go off between 2-3 times before actually getting up, just to make sure that the whole Tepid Tea household is awake. If by some miracle the toddler isn’t awake before said alarm, Daddy will frequently turn all lights on, make and eat his breakfast very loudly whilst slamming cupboard doors for added wake up effect. He’s like an elephant on steroids. 

2. They have to let you know that they’ve actually done some housework – A personal favourite of Daddy’s is to tell me that he’s done the dishes. Or that he can’t possibly do the dishes and the cooking (even though Mummy does it very often). “Did you see that the lounge is tidy darling?” Yes I did, do you want a fucking medal? 

3. “Why are you being like that? Is it your time of the month?” – Apparently, Mummies aren’t allowed to be cross, tired or irritable unless her menstrual cycle is responsible for it. 

4. They need strict shopping lists – You send them out for bread, nappies and milk and they come home £60 poorer and your cupboards are now full with super noodles and chocolate that was ‘on offer, so obviously we needed some.’ 

5. “Where are my jeans, Darling?” – Maybe they washed and dried themselves, then folded themselves into that massive clean pile of laundry that’s been sat on the bedroom floor for the past fortnight, mate. 

6. It takes actual years for something to get done (Or you do it yourself and he gets pissy) – For example; today marks about 6 months of Mummy asking Daddy to take several boxes of shit to the tip. Guess what? It’s still sat on top of the tumble dryer and is now accumulating nicely by the door! It took about a year of Mummy nagging Daddy to put the picture frames up too. 

7. They buy ‘you’ gifts that actually benefit them in the long run – “I got you some cookies/desserts/chocolates.” What he really means is; “I fancied this but knew you’d shout at me for spending too much money, so I’ll mask it as a gift for you instead”. 

8. They don’t know what a hoover is – Daddy generally only hoovers when Mummy is hungover. 

9. They get OCD… but only when there’s an illness going round – Daddy gets very fearful of a sickness bug or a cold, even though as a parent, you have to accept that you’re very probably going to get whatever is in the household at that particular time. 

10. They’re obviously more tired than you because they’ve been at work all day – I love going to work. I can sympathise with Daddy in the respect that going to work without a good night’s sleep is tiring, but looking after a toddler all day is about as energising as partying for 3 nights straight. I’m fucked by 7pm and ready for my bed… But obviously the housework needs doing. 

I must point out here that even though Daddy is a bit of a ballsack every now and again, I do love him very much and he is probably about 30% dickishness. The other 70% is absolute gold and I am incredibly lucky to have him as a supportive fiancé and Daddy. We’re a team and the last 4 years have certainly been fabulous. (Thanks for always being a good sport, Daddy. I love you xxx) 


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