Am I enough?

I’m really struggling today. 

Something that no one tells you how lonely motherhood can be sometimes. Some days I feel so bogged down by everything that I don’t know what to do with myself. Sometimes I don’t get dressed, I don’t shower. I just stay in my pyjamas and let the day pass me by. 

I’m struggling with the fact that my kid won’t eat the lunch I’ve prepared for him. He wants shreddies again. I’m struggling that he seems to have lost the ability to listen to me. I’m struggling to contain the frustration I’m feeling about the fact that my house looks like toys R us in a hurricane, with mini cheddars scattered across my stained carpet like little cheese land mines. 

I’m just struggling. 

Tomorrow is a new day, and that’s a motto I try to live by when things aren’t going my way. But today, it’s hard. I’m stuck in today. I can feel myself clock watching until Daddy gets home to relieve me with some adult conversation. We can endure in the night garden together, and make jokes about how Upsy Daisy is basically a prostitute. 

I’m lonely. I don’t know what to do with myself. I want to wrap up the Christmas presents but can’t whilst N is in Tasmanian Devil mode, and I don’t want to waste the precious nap time wrapping. I want to spend it lying in bed waiting for him to wake so that I can find something else to make the day go quicker. 

It’s days like today where I realise that depression is never far behind me. Once I’m alone, I realise just how alone I feel on the inside. I want to have the get up and go to do something fun with N, like go for a walk, or go to town and get a hot chocolate… But today, my get up and go has gotten up and gone without me.  

Tomorrow is a new day… and I’m hoping it’ll less shit than today. 

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