When you have a newborn, you’re conditioned to learn how to survive on no sleep. You expect the small squishy little bundle of love to wake every few hours on demand, regardless of whether it’s night or day.
I remember the first time N ever slept through the night. I woke up at about 7am and instead of feeling fantastic, I had convinced myself that he’d died. Daddy had to go and check on him, and right enough, he had just slept through the night.
We’ve faced every single developmental leap with courage and deploring strength. With developmental leaps, comes FUCKING sleep regression. Let me tell you that when you’ve waited a year for your child to sleep through and then he suddenly decides that actually, he doesn’t want to go to bed anymore… it’s more than upsetting. It’s fucking soul destroying.
As I write this, N has been in bed for over an hour. He’since thrown every available object in his bed out onto the floor and is now trying everything within his power to get our attention. Let me show you the general itinerary.
1. Open the door and talk sweetly to mummy and daddy. – it generally varies from “Hiya!”, “Mummy, Daddy, I here!”
If that doesn’t work, we up the anti a bit
2. Throw the dummy out and whinge – Usually, mum or dad will go in and tell him nicely that if he throws the dummy again, there will be no dummy for N.
3. Throw the dummy out a further eleventy hundred times – until suddenly, after a day of being an arsehole toddler, mum and dad are actually quite pissed off and make the brave move to actually follow through and take the dummy away. Massive what the fuck look from the toddler followed by;
4. SCREAMING like a mother fucker – he’s been going strong for a good hour and a half now, and isn’t showing any sign of giving in at all… I have Daddy here to eat food with me and to keep each other going, like we’re running some sort of marathon. I’m telling you, I have hit the wall. Half of me wants to go in there, give him his dummy to shut him up…
HES JUST CLIMBED OUT OF HIS COT FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. WHAT IS THIS MAGIC AND HOW DID MY KID GET SO SMART?!