As a parent, one thing I promised myself was that I’d never let my potential children watch Peppa Pig….
Let’s just take a moment to talk (laugh) about the things we all promise ourselves that we won’t do when we have kids, as we sneer at the poor bitch with her tantrumming daughter that’s SCREAMING in the supermarket because she wants a packet of milky buttons RIGHT NOW and does not give a fuck that she’s about to have her tea when she gets home. You’ll watch the poor bitch completely descend into motherhood hell; she’ll try to stay strong, then with each passing second she’ll become more and more red in the face, tears will stream down her face and then she’ll finally snatch the chocolate buttons and shove them in her child’s face. Toddler stops screaming and his really pleased with herself, and her mother is Scarlett with humiliation and shame.
I always promised myself that I wouldn’t let N get his own way. Only just now, did he ask for the Go Jetters on for the 50th time this morning and I hid the remotes so that he couldn’t ask any more… he found them, presented them to me with pride and gave me the puppy dog eyes…I can’t resist it. I couldn’t crush his spirit even though I hate the Go Jetters and would much rather eat gravel than watch it.
The same with Peppa Pig, really. She’s such a rude little bitch. I had always said to myself that N will never ever watch that. We’ll play together, build blocks, paint and bake (HAHHAHAHAHAHA HOW STUPID). He watched one episode at a play date and was hooked. Peppa Pig possesses some sort of magical powers over children and keeps them silent for 5 minutes. It’s like visual heroin for kids that isn’t frowned upon.
So, here we are. As I write this, we’re on our third episode of Peppa Pig and I’m singing the sound of quiet toddler in my head. I have to listen to that horrible little piglet, but I can just about cope with that rather than “MUMMY, PLEASE, CAR CAR CARRRRRRR” as a toy car is shoved into my mouth.
Sometimes, we’ll all be bogged down by our children. Sometimes, we all just need five silent minutes, where we can just sit and drink a hot (luke warm) cup of tea and not worry about the next tantrum. Hey, if Peppa has the powers, who am I to turn her off? I might even download Peppa onto every single device I own and use her as another tool to aide me in my housework, or even just to take a peaceful crap without N coming in and disturbing it.
Peppa may be a massive twat, but at least her life is pretty accurate in some respects to my own. I just heard on an episode that Daddy Pig likes to sit around doing nothing… How bloody uncanny!
George Pig cries at everything… so does N!
Mummy Pig likes to sit and watch really important television programmes on a rainy day… So true! Mummy likes to watch really important shows like Jeremy Kyle and Dance Moms!
So along with parenting with biscuits, you’ll find me parenting with Peppa Pig (but I won’t be falling around laughing at turning all the washing pink, because in real life, that’s a bloody disaster!).