1. Your house looks like a crack den (without the drugs)
Daily life is like an obstacle course; look out for the megablocks scattered around like land mines, the bouncy balls are clogged up the tumble dryer outlet (again), and there’s more than one tiny vehicle on each stair. The carpet is covered in cake crumbs, and the coffee table is littered with (the wrong) juice cups because toddlers much prefer to drink from parent’s grown up glasses. And no matter how much you clean and tidy, the tiny whirlwind will follow behind undoing all of your hard work. Sometimes it’s nice to sit on the couch with a cup of tea and let the hurricane do its worst until bed time.
2. You start apologising a lot
“Ah, he must be hungry” or “he didn’t sleep much today” or “he’s teething” flies out of your mouth like word vomit as an excuse for why your two year old is frankly, just being a bit of a knob and showing you up in front of company. It’s too embarrassing to admit that he’s having a full blown on the floor tantrum because he just feels like it.
3. You carry snacks EVERYWHERE
Even if it’s just for a short walk around the block. I Fucking hate the sight of our iggle piggle snack container, but God knows that this small piece of plastic has saved me from many a public tantrum because it’s filled with chocolate buttons or (chocolate) raisins.
4. There will be an unused potty somewhere in your house
Mum and Dad are the only ones to ever use the toilet in this house, but you’re such a good parent that you won’t lock that bad boy away because that’s admitting defeat. If it’s there, maybe one day he’ll rip his nappy off and curl one out in there. I’m hopeful…
5. Play dates begin to suuuuuck
It’s not like the good old days where they weren’t mobile. You can just sit them on a play mat with some rusks and toys anymore. Nope. Now, trips to the park make you bring out your inner drill Sargent. “YOU’RE TOO SMALL TO CLIMB UP THERE!” “WE GO DOWN THE SLIDE, NOT UP!” “DONT EAT THAT, ITS NOT YOURS!” … sigh.
6. You start looking longingly at smaller babies
Yup, there’s no denying the fact that your now two year old is no longer a baby (apart from the nappies he wears because he cannot be fucked to shit on the potty yet). But that doesn’t stop you from looking back at newborn photos with watery eyes and ovaries that start screaming for another one.
7. You haven’t watched an adult programme during the day for a long time
CBeebies is permanently on a loop in this house. Anything else causes a full scale riot that I’m usually not ready for because my two year old likes to wear me down at night so I have no fight left in me. To be fair, I don’t feel like I’m missing much because I’m usually cleaning (on my phone) or doing art projects with my toddler (he’s watching Mister Maker… that counts, right?).
8. You can hold two conversations at once with ease
You’re on the phone mid-sentence when a toy car is shoved in your face. “Yeah, im just sat waiting for the washing to – yes darling, that’s a lovely car! – for the washing to dry, then we’ll go for a walk- don’t climb on there darling!” people who own small children will know how easy it is. People who don’t own children, will come to learn when theirs is trying to somersault off of the sofa.
9. You’ve got a tonne of wet wipes stocked up
As I’ve mentioned before, wet wipes are amazing. They aren’t just for a shitty arse, no sir. They are good for everything! And you need more of them when you have a toddler. Sticky hands and faces, wiping down the high chair/table, wiping that bit of chocolate dribble out of the carpet, taking your makeup off… the list is endless!
10. You smile every day
Even when your two year old really has been terrible, you can’t help but smile when he sings old macdonald or runs up to you when you enter a room with a beaming smile and a “MUUUUUMY!”. I love for those moments, and I’m a sucker for a big cuddle whilst watching in the night garden (even if it gives me nightmares)