A day in the life of my toddler


Well, I’m awake! Don’t my parents know it’s time to get up and play? Oh, Mum’s bringing me into their bed. I’ll lie still and breathe deeply just until they think I’ve fallen back to sleep… Then BAM! I’ll sing my very loud and beautiful rendition of E-I-E-I-OHHHH while sticking my fingers up their noses for good measure. 


Daddy’s alarm has gone off! Hooray! This means he’ll definitley take me down stairs to watch CBeebies. Wait… Dad, where are you going? The toilet?! Did you not realise that we have to go downstairs RIGHT NOW or I’m going to make your life hell?! Right, you asked for it, I’m about another piss drop away from a bitch fit. Watch this. 


Dad’s not making his breakfast quick enough. Im tired of waiting for him to sit with me whilst we watch postman pat together. Im going to cry and whinge until he does just that. 


What’s that you’ve got, Dad? Crunchy Nut?! I fucking LOVE Crunchy Nut! Could I just have some of that? Give me that spoon. Dad looks a bit miffed… I’ll give him the puppy dog eyes. Yes, that’s worked! He’s gone and got his own bowl of cereal… there’s more in his bowl though… that’s mine too. 


Dad’s going for a shower, time to wake Mummy up! MUUUUUMMY!!! I haven’t told her I’ve done a massive poo yet, I’ll let her figure it out for herself when I jump on her head. She’s just asked me if I’ve done a poo. Time to run away shouting No! She doesn’t realise I have so many more important things to be doing instead of having my nappy changed. I should be leaving my toy cars around, throwing them down the stairs and generally making a mess instead of this! Time to wrestle her and get my shit everywhere. Then, she’ll think twice before going near my arse with the wet wipes instead. Mum always asks if I want to use to the potty, and I generally just growl in her face for good measure. 


I understand that Daddy has to go to work every day, but that doesn’t stop me getting quite menstrual about it. I’m not concerned about him going, I’m just very pissed off that I can’t point at his car all day! Why can’t he leave the car here?! Arsehole. 


The Go Jetters are on, and im buzzing. I’m not sure Mummy has realised they’re on so I’d better shout “GO GO!” at her precisely eleventy hundred times until she acknowledges it in a manner I please. She’s too busy speaking to my friend Edie on that magic phone of hers. I’m not quite sure which one is Edie; the baby or the mum, so I’ll just call them both that. Two birds, and all that jazz. I also like to speak to the Edies’ whilst mum wrestles me into a ridiculous outfit. She usually gives me biscuits around this time too, if I’m being particularly loud or noisy. But only the chocolate sort of biscuit, I’ll throw the others on the floor. 


I’m really good at helping mum with the washing. I don’t understand why she makes a cross sigh when I jump into all the different piles when she’s putting them away. She seems to talk about those Ducks Cakes quite a lot. What are those? Are they just for ducks, or can I have some too? I love cake. 


Time to tell mum I’m hungry again, when really I’m not. She needs to stop drinking tea and do as I say. I think I’ll ask her for a banana, then I’ll spit it out all over the floor and ask for something else. She definitley enjoys this game. 


I’m just so excited! I want to play with ALL OF THE THINGS! Im going to get them all out and show them to Mummy. She clearly loves reading me the same book over and over. Sometimes, she’ll ask me to read it to myself and that makes me quite cross. Does she not understand that I’m only 2 and I can’t fucking read? I like looking at the pictures, but only if she’s looking with me. 


After a lot of bartering on my end, Mum’s finally given in and given me a cake. I’m so happy that I can’t possibly stay in one position. I need to run around the whole living room whilst Mum manically follows me with that really noisy thing that eats my food off of the carpet. Mum seems to sigh a lot when I wipe my hands on the curtains. Then she talks about ducks cakes again. 


I’m really tired but obviously I don’t want to go to bed. I’ll sit up on the sofa watching waybuloo whilst whinging at mum, just so she’s knows I’m absolutely NOT TIRED. 


Shit, I’m in bed. Sometimes I like to yell at Mummy until I drop off, but actually I’m exhausted from my busy morning. I’ll yell at her later. 


I’m awake, and I’m not happy about it. I’m going to just sit here and moan until mummy gets me some mini cheddars or something. 


Is mum getting my reins?? Holy shit, we’re going out! Oh my god, I’m just so excited! I LOVE GOING OUT MORE THAN ANYTHING! I hope we get to jump in some puddles like Peppa does. Mum can be a bit of a bitch when we’re out though. She just doesn’t understand that I really want to get a good close look at all the cars and buses going by but she won’t let me near them. When she does this, my favourite trick is to dramatically sit on the floor and scream until she goes a funny red colour and picks me up. She seems to walk much faster with me over her shoulder. I turn happy then. 


Sometimes, my aunties come to visit me when they’ve finished being at this place called ‘work’. I’m not sure what work is, but I’d like to know what all the grown ups do there. 


I’m hungry, I’m tired and I’m just a little bit pissed off. Mum calls this the witching hour. I’m not sure what witches are, but I haven’t seen any. I don’t understand why I have to wait for my dinner. I want it NOW and she’s telling me to stay away from the cooker because it’s hot. She’s closed the door now and I’m proper pissed off. I’m going to throw things and scream at the top of my lungs until Mummy flies out of the kitchen and puts me on the naughty mat. I HATE the naughty mat. It makes me even more angry so I flail my arms around and bounce my head off of things so that mum knows I’m FURIOUS. She never seems to pay me any attention at this point, which is really strange. Fucking bitch. 


All that time on the naughty mat has given me quite the hunger pangs. I can’t wait for my dinner. It’s smelling great! Wait… what is this slop she’s serving me? Fish fingers? Chips? Beans?! What a cow, I wanted sausages!!!!!! That’s it, I’m going to protest like I’ve never protested before. 


I’m still Fucking sat here. I really like my dinner normally, but I don’t like mummy to get used to me eating. The sooner she realises that I want coco pops for dinner, the better. 

Wait! DADDY’S HOME! Oh my goodness, he’ll save me. He’s come to give me a kiss. Now’s my chance to fling my arms up so he’ll get me out. I’m over this shit for dinner. I know he’ll give me some of his. 


Dad’s just told me I’m about to have a bath! I love the bath. I love splashing daddy the most though. He thinks it’s brilliant. The whole thing! He loves chasing me around with the towel afterwards, but I like to just run away to get dry. I know bed time is coming up, so I’ll make Daddy play his guitar and act extra cute so they’ll let me stay up later. I’m just too good at this. 


For fucks sake. I’m here, in bed again. Why don’t they get that I’m just not tired? I’m so bloody cross with them that I’m going to stand and the end of my cot and shout out of the door until they come in. It pisses me off even more that they don’t speak to me when they come in and lie me back down. That’s it, to teach them a lesson, im setting my alarm for each hour in the night. 

Hope they’re ready for me tomorrow. 

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