The 5 most annoying children’s TV programmes…

My two year old is an avid watcher of children’s television, and has been fascinated with the small screen since he was old enough to hold his head up. As much as Children’s TV can be used to ‘babysit’ kids (I whole heartedly do NOT agree with that statement), it does mean that a lot of the time, you will be forced to watch along with them enthusiastically whilst internally cringing and dreaming of ‘grown up TV’. 

Starting off the list at number 5 is…

5. Topsy and Tim 

A nice, catchy theme tune; but that’s where the nice ends. It’s not the kids themselves that piss me off, no sir. It’s the really UNREALISTIC Mummy and Daddy that seem to never argue about whose turn it is to do the washing up or bath time, and who always keep their shit together when the kids are being scripted arseholes. I know CBeebies isn’t the place for realism, but I’m always slightly sceptical at Topsy and Tim’s perfect life. In fact, I’m just going to come out with it; I’m a little teensy bit jealous at their big clean house (which probably has its own wine fridge… which is probably why Mummy is always so calm… because she’s sozzled off of her tits all day) and huge back garden with definitley no sign of cat shit lurking in the grass. 

4. I can cook

No Katie, you can’t fucking cook. I’ve shat more interesting dishes than your idea of ‘cooking’. I hate your stupid washing up songs and I hate your ways of getting the kids to act like utter dick heads when trying to get them to pinch the flour like a crab. I don’t feel much like cooking when Katie appears on my screen at 12pm, but I most certainly do feel like sticking my head in an incredibly hot oven until she’s fucked off in Horace her trusty van. 

3. Justin’s house

Justin is a bit like Marmite. You typically love him or hate him. But you see, my relationship with Marmite differs than your average mainstream average joe. I like marmite in small doses. I like Justin in small doses. I definitely do not feel that Justin deserves 3 shows in a typical CBeebies day. I enjoy something special, with our pal; Mr Tumble and his delightful spotty bag. I don’t enjoy gigglebiz… and I loathe Justin’s house. You’ll typically find Justin and his robotic pal Robert roaming around cream pie-ing each other (not in a dirty way, you horrible lot!) whilst singing off key nursery rhymes  Justin is also quite relatable to thrush; annoying, offensive and it needs a lot of cream to take him out. 

2. Tree Fu Tom

Another great theme tune, but that is all. Tom is basically a know it all, yoga practicing…dick. Not slamming yoga at all here, because my son practices it at nursery but he not I have a fucking clue what Tom gets up to in his yoga interludes. This show is basically character driven, which means that it doesn’t teach kids much apart from that butterflies are apparently from Texas. Fun fact; David Tennant actually voices the little cherub thing… but it still doesn’t do it for me. 

And rocking in at number one… you know exactly what I’m going to say, don’t you? 

That’s right 

1. Peppa Pig

Now, I’ve spoken before about Peppa pig, and her little brother George. Since that particular post, I’m not even exaggerating when I say that I have probably collectively watched over 100 hours of Peppa and counting. I am not fucking with you. My kid is obsessed with her and her pals. It’s the first thing he asks to watch in the morning as he shoves the remote up my nose, and it’s always a part of our bargaining deal to leave the park without drama. “Ooh darling, I bet Peppa will be on at home, let’s go see if we can find her!” Of course she’s going to be at home, she’s on YouTube for endless hours a day. My house is becoming a Peppa Pig shrine, with the balloons the books and the constant loop of fucking Peppa haunting my television screen. On a rainy day, I will 100% have watched the same episode of Peppa (you know, the one where they find a rainbow) at least 5 times. In fact, I’ve become so conditioned to this little bitch, that I almost do a little excited wee when I finally view an episode that I haven’t seen before. This is what my life has become. The only good thing about Peppa Pig, is that she’s taught my kid all of the different animal noises and what their names are. I can’t deny that his speech has come on leaps and bounds since she entered his life but I’m not sure how much more of this bossy little piglet I can take before I hunt her down and slaughter her myself. For those of you that don’t live in the real world; Peppa Pig is a phenomenon amongst many toddlers and young children world wide. She speaks to her parents like shit, often referring to how fat Daddy Pig is because he eats too many ice creams, or that Mummy needs to piss off because she can’t whistle. She hangs up the phone on her friends and calls them bossy boots and she’s a little twat to her brother (who never stops crying). I’m not entirely sure what the actual appeal to Peppa is, but I’m almost certain that she’s here to stay in the Tepid Tea Household. 

Peppa is so much of a big hit that Daddy and I have actually suggested taking the small person to Peppa Pig world which will no doubt just cost us hundreds of pounds to watch our son cry at all of the expensive rides he doesn’t want to go on and really make us question our life choices. 

So, you tell me. Have I defined your list of hateful kids shows, or are there any more that I’ve missed out and that you want to add to my list? Let me know. 

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How to deal with public tantrums

As an owner of a two year old, I know how inquisitive, wonderful, and energetic they are, with a huge thirst for learning. Unfortunately, with such education comes the bad stuff; the whining, the crying, and the constant need to test boundaries. 

I’m told this never ends, and that this is just the beginning. I 100% Fucking hope not, because they don’t call it the terrible twos for no reason. 

Tantrums are bad enough. The SCREAMING, the planking, the howling, the wailing and the soul destroying whinging. All of this is bad enough, without the public element. So, here is a survival list to try and avoid such things, what to do when the inevitable tantrum begins, and how to ride that motherfucker out. 

Make it a game – use a really high, overenthusiastic voice to make simple things seem much more fun than they’re going to be. For example; “Wow! Let’s go to the shop and see how many cars and buses we see on the way!” Or “Quick! Let’s go go gooooo! Mummy is going to win!” 

Keep firm boundaries in place – if you agree to buy them a treat for being such a good little darling, a Peppa Pig ball for example; make sure that they’re aware that they shouldn’t dick about with it. I tend to go with the three (eleventy hundred) strike rule. If they throw that ball around a busy shop whilst laughing at you, they’re going to have to suffer the consequences. They’re going to have to put that ball back, and say goodbye to it because they can’t follow the rules put in place for them. Now, that’s not to say that this isn’t going to trigger a whopper of a tantrum, because it is. But, unless your richer than the Queen of Sheba, you can’t physically buy your child’s silence with toys every time you need to pop out for a pint of milk. So it’s here that the storm begins. 

sit and think (them, not you) – They’ll need a warning, obviously, but chances are that you’ve already droned on and on about that for about ten minutes before that. You won’t find me carrying around a mat or a chair for N to sit on when he’s in arsehole mode so come rain or shine, he sits on the ground if he needs to think about his behaviour. In public, this is attractive to old dears who feel the need to come and stick their wrinkly old noses in and offer toffee pennies or a hair ruffle. As hard as it is to be rude to these do gooders, I cannot have my kid’s bad behaviour rewarded with sweets and attention, so I kindly ask them to not do that (with a twitchy eye because I really want to tell them to fuck off and mind their own business). Two minutes to think, and the tantrum is over. Right? WRONG

Carry on like the whole world isn’t staring at you right now – Hide those misty eyes under your sunglasses and keep that smile etched onto your face. Your kid might be being a dick, but at least you look like it isn’t bothering you. You’ve got this shit covered, mama. 

As hard as it is – Try not to give in to the kid’s ridiculous demands, and don’t feel like a shit human being if you do. Today, N was constantly asking for his ‘dibby’ (his dummy) and after what seemed like an eternity, I gave it and plugged that noise. You do what you do to get by and to save face. 

Move, move, move – it doesn’t matter how you move, just keep going. Today, I actually held N under my arm like a contorting human rugby ball as I walked through town whilst making sure that everyone knew WHY he was being the way he was with a; “Oh isn’t two such a DELIGHTFUL age?!” “They don’t call them terrible for nothing!”  

This won’t last forever – even if it feels like it will. Kids will be kids, and if people can’t accept your kid having a tantrum, then you either suck it up and get your shopping done, or abandon that sinking ship and leave your trolley full of shopping and do it online instead. Either choice doesn’t make you a failure or a bad mother, it just means you are only human and that your tolerance level has peaked and passed. 

I’ve heard the terrible twos are nothing, so I’m buzzing to have a threenager next year!